Teaching me to be

I have been blessed by illness this last month. Blessed is a strange word to use because it's been fairly horrid. I've been plagued by a sinus headache thing, which has led on to other cold-like symptoms. It's been quite miserable frankly as most of the month seems to have been me preserving energy for work or duties and little else. I have been taking painkillers almost every day and suffering with a constant aching pressure around and behind my eyes. It's been lonely and depressing as it's not only stopped me from spending time with people, at times it has affected my capacity to think and relate to others. I've also felt really bad trying to explain how I've been feeling, often I've wanted to ask for help and then I've felt like I'm whining or self-obsessed. I have felt this because I have been aware of so many around me who have also been suffering recently. In short it's given me a taste of what it must be like to be permanently unwell. I feel this has been valuable because it has really expanded my compassion for those who face long-term illness. Actually my own illness hasn't been that bad in the perspective of a person in this situation. I'm grateful for God expanding my understanding for the people around me who might be facing ongoing problems with their health. 

In particular though God has blessed me with a crucial message that is the need to step back from all the things I'm striving to achieve for Him and to simply learn to be. To be Laura. Not to do all the things that I think make me Laura. To know that I can bear his likeness simply by existing. To know that I am loved as I am, not for what I do. To know that I can trust Him with my life. Essentially I guess he has been teaching me Psalm 46 v 10: 'Be still and know that I am God' which can also be translated as 'Cease striving and know that I am God'. It's an encouragement on the surface to make time to be quiet and still in our lives, but more than that it's about trusting in God and his goodness. Trusting that he wants the best for me or as that line in the hymn 'Amazing Grace' says: 'The Lord has promised good to me'.

Trust is the key thing. Trust is ultimately dependant though on the belief that who we are trusting is indeed trustworthy and loving. Well what better day than this to reflect on that. The day that remembers how our God faced the worst imaginable situation ever for us. It's hard to truly appreciate and I don't think we ever will understand it but the truth is he died for us because he loves us. The amazing thing is we don't need to understand it, we don't even need to feel the sorrow that would make our hearts ache if we were really to comprehend what he went through. We only need to receive his love and sacrifice for us. 

In Isaiah 30 v 15 God says:

In repentance and rest is your salvation,

In quietness and trust is your strength.

Hope you are having a good Good Friday.